I wonder where the yellow went?

Today I did something I thought I would never do...I paid good money to have my teeth whitened. And, it wasn't in my dentist's office. It was at a standalone business which I (a) did not thoroughly investigate and (b) had not asked friends about. I have no idea why I was so cavalier about this endeavor. It was a lark.

I had casually gone in to this establishment to inquire as to whether I was a candidate. Without asking me any questions, the "technician" (she WAS in a white coat) assured me that I was.

And...she could take me right away. I was a-tingle with anticipation. But, first I had to dump my mother as she was in the car waiting.

No sooner did I tell my tag-a-long mother that I was the next patient, than Mum trotted in to inquire if SHE were eligible. Of course she was! Despite her dental work, veneers, caps, and bridges... she, too, could experience Hollywood whitening.  We were ecstatic.

The advertisement on the outside said "15 minutes". Marsha, the "technician" said that it would actually take two 20 minutes sessions. But, we could do them back to back and be outta there for dinner.

Mum went first. Once the struts were applied to her lips for maximum opening and the gel was applied she looked like a crazy chimpanzee on high alert. Then, Marsha put on orange colored eye glasses to counter- act the very special blue light which would activate the gel. I believe the gel was merely a solution of hydrogen peroxide (H2O2 for those who still like to pretend they remember the periodic table).

I was next. Luckily I couldn't see how insane I looked during the 40 minute treatment. But, I did keep sneaking looks at my mother for reassurance. She, however, had fallen asleep! Unbelievable. The H2O2 was already burning the inside of my lips and Marsha had disappeared, out of sight. I was relegated to watching the Price is Right while I waited for the buzzer to go off.

While waiting, the only excitement that happened was that another woman walked in - she had made a previous appointment and was quite perturbed that Marsha was attending to something other than her needs. This woman.... this woman was not what I would call a likely candidate. She was at least 275 pounds, walked haltingly with a cane, dressed rather haphazardly when it came to color matching and wore sandals with socks. She had to have been more than 80 years old and she wore the world's worst perfume. Old Lady perfume. My mouth was open as wide as possible and I was practicing shallow breathing so I wouldn't choke on my saliva. I winced every so often when then peroxide hit my sensitive inner lips. My moans could not be heard by Marsha who was attending to something in the back room. But, honestly, worse than the near choking and the wincing was the fact that somehow, this incredibly toxic perfume had entered my olfactory glands. I couldn't wait to leave.

But, the buzzer finally blew, the struts were removed, I rinsed and spit in a plastic bag (which was creepily like an air-sick bag) and a mirror was placed in front of my face. To be honest, I couldn't tell the difference between my 'before' and my 'after'. But, I ooohed and awwwed over the results. Mum was so happy with her results she was postively giddy.

When we got home we flashed our smiles in a most unnatural way. Bill didn't even notice. He was too busy telling us about tonight's dinner. We had to tell him that the entire menu had to be changed (no peppers, no dark leaf lettuce, no tomatoes, no cilantro) since we couldn't eat anything red, dark or caustic - because of our Hollywood teeth.

Once we told him where we'd been for the last hour, he said that he could really tell the difference in our smiles, but I think he was just trying to be kind.

But, guess what?  He changed the menu.