Saturday, January 22, 2011

Final wishes

Bill is terrified that I will have him cremated if he dies before I do. His statistical analysis has already given me a 17 year advantage so he's assuming I will take care of his final wishes.

The environmentalist in me is still trying to convince him that cremation is the earth friendly method of leaving. He, however, has an illogical fear of burning. I kid him that I'll be able to make all his final decisions -and that it really doesn't matter how I handle them since he will be, after all, dead.  But, I am just kidding.

He's still not sure.

His most important request: a good band at his funeral. He tells me he's already cleared it with Amigone's (note to non-Buffalonians - one of the larger funeral homes is actually owned by the Amigone family - I know, I know - a most unfortunate last name for a funeral home).

He has a list of tunes that he wants the band to play but he still needs to figure out how I can procure and distribute kazoos to the attendants. His dream? To have the guests all play the theme from the movie "Alfie" while he is in attendance - albeit in a lovely casket - but in attendance nevertheless.

I'm not talking about the "What's it all about, Alfie?" tune, but rather the Sonny Rollins tune - take a listen here:'s+Theme
 He figures we can teach everyone the tune in less than 90 seconds.

Bizarre? Completely. But, he's talked about it for so long that I know he is 100% serious. So, if I manage to comply with his statistical analysis, I promise to procure, distribute and teach the tune to all the Kazoo players in attendance.


  1. You do know that there is a Kazoo Factory, Museum, and Gift Shop in Eden, NY - don't you?
    They even sell Black Plastic Joke Kazoos
    ...Specify: Over the Hill, Old as Dirt,
    29 Forever, 39 Forever, 49 Forever, 59 Forever,
    29, 30, 40, 50, 60 & Still Humming
    Item #: 1239
    Price: $1.75

  2. Tell Bill that he should buy a square inch of land somewhere in his favorite place on earth. Then when he is cremated you can stuff him into an old cigar tube and shove him into that square inch.